How to tame Ruminating mind

It’s a funny thing but people have often said to me, ‘don’t think so much, you’re just upsetting yourself.’

And though it may be quite true it doesn’t help.

The problem is that I am a thinker it’s who am, it’s one of my strengths, that and planning. So when people just blithely say you think too much it feels like they are saying thinking things over more than once or twice when it causes you pain is wrong and therefore bad and I feel guilty about it. In point of fact for a long while my ruminating actually got worse because of this sort of comment.

There are times when it ruminating has been the death of me but dealing with how your mind works is the important factor.

Okay so I think a lot about stuff in general, but that doesn’t mean I ruminate about everything and if you’ve had people say this to you I’m sure you may have occasionally felt like I do, frustrated and annoyed, guilty of making my life harder than it needs to be. Possibly guilty of making yourself ill too. It's not fun.

Well I asked somebody when I was feeling somewhat put out that one of my strengths was being belittled, that I was basically being told I was making myself ill, to explain what they meant. It’s crazy really but there really isn’t an easy way to see if you are ruminating or an easy way to reduce doing it. I’ve chipped away at mine but it is still there. In fact I find so much of my ruminating is the stuff that’s unconscious and creeps into my negative self talk that goes round and round. It’s not my everyday thinking.


So Ruminating!

The circular thinking pattern that causes you pain. A going over and over of something that you can’t change that results in altering your mood and behaviour poorly, for instance reducing motivation, increasing or decreasing aggressiveness or causing pain.


Lovely right, you’d think it was easy to spot.


Think again it’s really not. On an average day I think things through more than once and when it is something is important I often think things through quite a few times and depending on what it is, probably daily for a while too. You know things like grief, moving house, going for an interview, but then we come to missed opportunities and past problems and were we rude or aggressive, did we cause offence.


I guess some people would say ‘oh you’re being pedantic of course I didn’t mean these things’. And maybe they are right but it has taken me a long time to really get a handle on what I needed to think through a few times and when I was just ruminating.

So how do I do it?

Well strangely I think it through a bit! I mean, I ask myself am I thinking about this a lot? Why am I thinking about this now? Was it something someone said or watching something? Has it just been churning under the surface all the time, am I irritable, it’s always a good sign something is going on underneath.


Then I ask myself, how does it make me feel? And after the first thought, I feel angry or scared, I then ask and what else am I feeling? For me there is always more than just one feeling floating around so I do a little exploring and test a few ideas out. It’s never just one feeling.

Then I ask how am I reacting to this thinking? do I feel angry, defensive, do I feel enthusiastic or less motivated, does my self esteem take a hit do I feel less worth it. Do I feel less like saying something or complaining, do I feel resigned or powerless to change something.

Then I ask, why would I want to do that to myself right now, what is altering my behaviour in this manner doing for me. What is it protecting me from? What do I think would happen if I had not changed how I was reacting? Am I now not going to complain, or cry or be emotional in public, am I avoiding a fight, or avoiding looking good or showing someone up.


You will be surprise what you will find lurking in your mind if you do this. I certainly was and it’s the unbidden immediate reactions that were the most honest and surprising to me. My feelings are often masked by the more pressing how I should feel about things and so much of the time this should response is so quick on the heals of the firs honest one I have great difficulty finding the first one. But it is so import to catch hold of the fleeting first response that is honest because it is revealing and can really show you what it is you need or were looking for to escape. A little patience and you can turn that oh my god I was just trying to avoid an argument because I thought it would all blow up in my face… to but why should it, we're reasonable people. Well not everybody is but the point is to see what you're doing first then and then to work out what to do that causes you fewer problems or pain.

And once you’ve found that honesty it’s amazing how a, you can lose it again but b, how often find the answer to your ruminating is self evident. I don’t mean easy because changing is difficult but if someone is nasty but can’t tolerate it happening to them and you have a pattern of thought that stops you being more assertive then the ruminating thoughts are holding you back from stopping the nasty comments.

In the same way reminding yourself that all men leave, or all relationships end my well stop you from trying to find the companionship that you want. They would both cause you pain.


I think the main thing here is to realise that ruminating can be a short burst of a pattern of thought that results in altering your behaviour in the short term or the long term.

So a blast of how useless you’ve always been, how you’ve never managed to do this, or a continued going over of events without changing
As well as the more in depth analysis that comes over a long period of going over the same thing.

For me if I’m looking to understand how I felt and I find something new each time I think about it, whether I cry or not, then it’s not ruminating. This finding out how I feel is really helpful to me as it helps me change not only how I view things but also how I feel about them. The problem can be that it can take a long time to see if I’m really not learning something new or if it’s just a pattern that keeps me stuck going over and over. To fully understand myself is good but if you never say okay I have everything now, so what do I do to change this, or ask yourself why am I not doing something about this then I am ruminating and often I think this is what people complain about.

It is not easy to find the way out especially if you don’t trust that you really understand yourself well enough to say okay that’s it, now lets do something about it.

I would say that I have sat and waited to see if more would surface without considering that I should be doing something about the things I already know. But this is a problem based on feeling controlled and powerless. You see I found that there are layers upon layers of thinking and it is these that my thinking helps me unpick and I am glad to say that now I have found out why I have not acted. I am taking some action but I have not stopped looking to see if there is something else going on….because I certainly have found that mostly there is always something else its’ kind of living really.

I would say find your answers and that way I feel you will also find your resolution even if that is just to have sympathy for the awful things that have happened to you. You cannot change anything except what you choose to do next however the past can be resolved.

Missing the important stuff

Okay so I’ve spent a long time trying to find my own answers to my problems and quite apart from all the help the NHS has given me there has been quite a lot of reading self help books. I am frequently amazed at the amount of people writing stuff but also I find it even more difficult to find written content that really feels like it’s what I need.

I don’t know about you but I find so much that has promise and then goes off at a tangent from where I am. Sometimes a little more in depth help with things like feeling guilty would be helpful. It’s not like I haven’t had success modulating my moods but I struggle with some things more than others and though some of it is relevant often the bits I want to explore further just aren’t there. I mean really guilty it’s not self evident and just saying there’s no need not helpful.

So Guilt and feeling guilty.

I do this a lot, in fact I would say it is a huge problem. Getting less so but still I find many books and places skip over the idea of guilt going away. If there’s no reason for you to feel guilty then just ignore it and it’ll go away.

Oh God how often have I heard just forget about it, let it go, it’s no good. It drives me nuts. The reality for me is that I need a reason. Tell me why, why should I not feel guilty for screwing up. I know it’s an emotion so logic really isn’t so helpful but still the voices that tell me I am guilty are strong; far stronger than my belief that I don’t have to feel guilty anymore. 

The second thing here is that while you may forgive yourself for your wrongs. I really struggle to. The, ‘I should have known better’ rings in my head and it’s so loud it can drown out any kind reason or sense. So I remind myself that hindsight is a gift I have now but at the time I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. It may not have been very good or nice but it was my best. I was just learning and we all make mistakes so it is okay to learn from it but not hold on to it, it is done now.

So why is it that everyone else seems say just get over it. Just let it go!

I could really hate people for this lack of understanding.

I may not be the best coach for this kind of thing yet still while I might struggle with feeling guilty it is not helpful to just say there’s no need. It’s not going to cut it for me.

And when I’m talking about guilty I’m talking about the hard stuff that you don’t let go of or that feels like it’s got it’s hooks into you and won’t let you go. It’s the stuff that has become a problem. Do I hold on to everything I do wrong and feel guilty?

No I don’t, but I do hold on to some things to my own destruction and it’s these things I go to self help books for and often come away feeling underwhelmed.


I look at it this way, the aim of guilt is to learn from it then what have I got to learn?
In my case it felt like there was much to learn so I held onto it hoping to find the answer. But for me there was no answer, I had not done anything much. So I say to you if you feel guilty ask yourself did you really do something worth feeling guilty about. If it was a long time ago then also ask yourself why is it bugging you still?

For me the answer was resolution. I wanted some and it felt like there wasn’t any and some times there isn’t but it is a process and you have to come to terms with it for yourself.

It’s like grief you need to come to terms with it’s passing that you felt guilty and wrong and that now it is no more. It’s not easy and like grief I feel there is anger, pain, humiliation and hurt feelings and probably much more to deal with and until you have you will not feel okay about it. Look at your problem, in my case bullying, and try and see the situation from a different perspective. Try and understand what was happening, what other meant, what could also have been different from how you saw it. Think about what it could have been like for those around you.

It really helped me see what I was looking for. It wasn’t an answer but it is resolved and now the healing starts. I can put it behind me and the guilt can dissipate and it is for me.

For my mind you don’t just get over things, or just let go of things there are emotions to look at, to accept, and to leave behind, and though some people are far better at doing that than others they are still going through the same process. If you’re not used to doing it or never felt that you should then it can be really hard.
I would also say it’s not something you can do in one pass. It may take a long to come to terms with and several rehashes of what happened to see that there is now no need to feel so badly about it.
So don’t stop asking yourself if you have anything to learn, anything to forgive, any hurt or angry feelings towards anyone or yourself that you need to understand. Ask yourself, is it doing you any good? Is it changing you for the better? Helping you? Are you looking for forgiveness from yourself/others?

Be honest with yourself, and find out why because it may be that you are still in pain, that no one said it was okay, that you were forgiven. It maybe because you keep repeating it and don’t want to, if so ask yourself what is it that you feel when you do it that keeps you coming back to it again and again. Do you need something in your life that you don't have, even if it is just comfort, time to yourself, to be more you.

And don’t get disheartened change takes time and so does letting things go. It is not my experience that long standing feelings of guilt can be changed because you want them too. It takes time and continued effort.

Too harsh to be helpful

There are times when I really hate that I have even tried to find some helpful advice either online or from people. The wrong advice can really hurt and mostly because I feel people are judging and feel I should have learnt this already because it’s so easy. I mean there’s so much advice out there about how to be happier or get well and such, anyone would think it was so easy wouldn’t they?
Well, since it is such big business these days it might be better to see counsellors, gurus, life coaches etc as filling a gaping chasm of a market where there are so many people who are unhappy and are willing to pay people to help them. This suggests that most people have idea how to improve their feelings of happiness and fulfilment.

Well despite my immediate feelings of worthlessness, laziness as well as stupidity, I find all I am left with is that feeling that I should not have looked. I was doing alright and did not need a kick to the teeth. However I really do need to look and dealing with the occasional comments that I don’t like or that hurt like hell is part of living in the world, instead of hiding from it.
The world is full of people who see things very differently to me and although I have grave misgivings about the way people, Americans in particular, use Pity Party and talk about rumination like you should just get off your butt and do this and you’ll be better. However for them it may be just a description which implies no judgement.

I don’t feel I want to dictate to others what is good or a supportive way to talk about being unhappy and how to improve it. For some people all they need is a swift prod that says so get on with it and here are a few suggestions and they will be fine.

Unfortunately I am not one of them, which is why it hurts so much. I have met this attitude a lot and really the 1st time I thought yeah I’ll go and do this or that, I’ll take control and get this or that…yeah I’ll be fine. Even the 2nd, 3rd etc. I thought yeah that’s all I need to do. Sadly by the time I’d heard it 10 times I’d worked out it’s not that easy for me.

I am quite convinced that you have to build from where you are at and you need build in confidence, resilience, support, safety, fall back positions, self esteem, a sense of realism and responsibility. The problem is that for some that’s a huge undertaking and not only that in the early days the impact of each change may not be easily seen either. Particularly when you’re not used to looking at and evaluating yourself and that can be hard in itself.

The reality is that although I have worked hard and most people do, sometimes these comments are just too harsh to be helpful and unfortunately people don’t know this either before they speak or when they can’t control who reads it.

In this instance I stopped reading the blog post and I won’t be going back either. I don’t need that kind of torture and if it’s people who say these things then equally I just don’t ask for advice in the future. Sad to say just because you want to help doesn’t mean you will, however it doesn’t mean it’s bad advice but just that it wasn’t what I needed.

And these days a few hints on how to achieve things and a whole great dollop of encouragement to take my life back: encouragement to grasp hold of what I want. That’s all but sadly that’s not really the NHS bag. I feel more confident and assured when I take responsibility for moving forward and working out when something is not the right time or the right tone. To learn that I can do it, I can choose well for myself, is more important than being happy because I did what someone else said.

Taking your time

There are days when I can conquer the world in a week and then there are the days when nothing gets done. Like this blog, I set out to write something once a week all year. I didn’t say it had to be written each week but just I wanted to write that many posts and so far it’s not been so good.

And once upon a time that wouldn’t have been okay. I would have had to get something down even if it was just something. But that kind of thinking didn’t really get me very far. I would feel guilty about not achieving my goals, there would be a huge amount of negative self talk and basically my mood would hit the floor and just keep going.

Oh yeah I would really lay into myself and mostly I didn’t and still don’t notice the atrocious things I would berate myself with. These days I may not be able to stop the immediate rant in my head but I can see more often when I have just let rip about how useless I am, or how I never achieve anything.

These days I try to head off the negative effects and counter act what is going on. Sometimes I am more successful than others but it is something I always try and do.
Sounds like good advice, yeah well it doesn’t always work. I don’t always notice and quite frankly there are days when just everything else is a problem and I just can’t be bothered to fight anymore. The fun thing is I read blogs, self help blogs to help give me ideas and motivate me, it doesn’t always work. In fact recently I’ve really hated those blogs.

They make everything sound so easy. The fact is that looking for advice when I feel overwhelmed is the wrong time. I know in my head that it doesn’t help but still I frantically try to be better. And to be honest it’s the last thing I need to do.


This is what I need to hear. I am okay as I am, I do not need to take on anything else right now and I will get there when I am ready. And in most cases I have been working so hard at being better that I have neglected to take some time out. Too busy to notice how many unpleasant things have happened. And this year to give myself time to grieve for the loss of pets and friends, the loss of a job and the changing circumstances in my life.

Unfortunately this hasn’t always stopped me from feeling I should be moving forward faster than I am. As an aside I am really good at setting impossible goals.

So I focus the part of me that would look after others onto myself. The part that looks and says, ‘is that reasonable’, because I forget to do it for myself. In the same way if someone else hasn’t achieved a goal I don’t have a go at them. I consider their circumstances and look at whether their goal was reasonable.

The reality is that some things are far harder than you might think and if it’s a case of going slower then it’s time to say so and slow down. Set different goals or at least cut yourself some slack for it not being done exactly as you had hoped.

Life is hard enough you don’t have to make it worse.
 It doesn’t mean that you aren’t going to feel that you can. But what would say is if you are having trouble from guilty feelings, berating yourself over goals why do you feel that you need to do that? When have the words you hear been used before? Do you hear some ones voice saying it? Who said it originally?

I found it amazing to really notice what I was saying and realize that it wasn’t me. The words they weren’t mine, they really vicious and so loud and so constant but they weren’t mine originally.

Because the only thing that really matters is what you believe about you and though it is really hard finding out what you believe about yourself in those first moments could tell you something really important. Me I felt they were unjust, unfair and in some cases just a way to make the person saying them feel good. And though some of them were about what I had or hadn’t done a lot of them really weren’t.

Find out who you are, what you feel, what you felt back then when it all started because I found that I was released to become who I want to be.

And if you think I’ve made it and I am the person I want to be.

Forget it. I’m not there and to me I feel no one really is. You get to a place where you feel good and you say. Yeah I’ve done it. I’m well, I’m a good lawyer, I’m a good mother and you feel really good and then you stop thinking about being more than you are and you don’t notice that you continue to change. But you still change, we all do, it’s just nice when you don’t have to think about it every waking moment because you’re so far from where you want to be.


Become who you want to and don’t give up, take the time to do it right because some days you’re not going to be up for. In fact some weeks you’re not going to be that up for it but you will become who you want to.

How the world likes to give advice!

Don’t know about you but once I started having trouble with my mental health the entire world seem to feel that they have the right and the responsibility to wade in and tell me how to solve the problem, how to be happy or less happy depending on the situation. It drives me a bit nuts quite frankly.

Seriously guys telling me what to do is not helping me.

I need to find my own feet and my own way and although many are unwilling to agree with me it is what we are all trying to do every day. We cannot always be happy or feel secure, but to feel like we can make it through anyway, that is the goal. Please keep it in your sights because telling someone what to do may only result in them relying on you.



This isn’t true for everybody but nine times out of ten when someone uses the words, ‘this is what you need to do’, I am so angry because I know that I won’t think anymore about it. The world has decreed that this is what I need to do and will hear no more of my ideas or insecurities or problems. It has decided so stop talking.

God if it was all that easy it would be great but lets face it you who decree are not always right. I can’t believe I am the only one who has this problem and quite frankly I wish I felt more attuned to what people in general think and feel but realistically I am not sure I want to.

I would much rather remind myself that they are making a suggestion. A suggestion that if it comes after only the briefest of conversations I can safely tell myself is suggested because it works for them and will likely have nothing to do with my situation or me at all.

People say that I don’t like suggests, and really I just want to feel that they are suggestions, and not orders, thanks.
So if you have this problem then take heed what I do is engage the universal translator and try to understand what the person is really trying to achieve, which is to help or to end the conversation.

I don’t find it easy but I do try to believe that they want to help, because just shouting there mouths off doesn’t really feel like people to me no matter how it sounded. So with this presumption in mind I ask myself what was it about the suggestion that I could apply to me in a way that will work for me. Did they suggest taking control, making a plan? Did they suggest doing something that helps me feel good about myself, or an achievement. An I did that moment.

Did they suggest being nice to myself, this can be tricky because people get pleasure and feel good in different ways. For instance going out and partying with friends might be someone's ideal fun time, but lets face it it’s not mine and it might well not be yours. In the same way staying in and watching a movie, taking a bubble bath, getting a massage or going for a run might be fun for some but not for others.

Did they suggest that you count your blessings and feel good about what you do have…not so easy when your not very well. Life is pretty grim when your ill and it can feel like they are trying to minimise or otherwise reduce the amount of pain you are in but actually feeling thankful, for being alive, for the beauty of nature or for your family can lift the spirits.

I guess my point is that I try and hear what they are really getting at instead of feeling that they just want me to shut up and or go away. It’s not that they don’t want to hear but a lot of the time people just don’t know what to do and they fumble around for something. However there are the times when quite frankly they do just want you to shut up and go away. It hurts but to me this is okay I know that they are not interested so it’s time to move on to a different conversation or a different person. Hey I don’t have to stick with a person who is increasing my painful, worthless etc. feelings.

But lastly I feel that people didn’t feel that they had this right and responsibility for passing on their advice I’d be better off.

I just talk because it is a fact or a reality for me. I don’t expect you to fix it. In fact I don’t always want to talk about it, sometimes I just want to have some fun. And believe you me some days there is precious little fun to be had so I won’t be too happy with you if you force a conversation when I was out to enjoy myself. But thanks to the time to change campaign I now feel I am neglecting my duties to the cause if I don’t have the conversation.

Oh boy life is complicated…hey it was supposed to be a good thing that we can talk and now all I do is complain about it. Yeah well I guess this is mostly due to the fact that I never really felt it was off limits. It was all just how I was feeling, still is sad fact is I never really thought people wanted to know how I was feeling.


Anyway life is short and while I am still trying to live the life I want I just hope that everyone else is too.
 

The hard times

I guess we all appreciate that some days are better than others but still when the hard times hit it can be so overwhelming. These times can feel so complete and everlasting that it is not worth fighting or that the only answer is to fight since nothing will change. Today is as good as it can ever get, if you like

It’s hard to see in the pit that there is a way out, or even that there is any change happening, but nothing ever stays the same. That said I would be the first to say that time alone does not heal things and a conscious effort from you is required however to know what to do can be as overwhelming a problem. I can’t say how long it will take nor that it will be a nice upward journey to feeling better but I do know that it can and will be better in the future.

That said I know that on my bad days the suggestion from someone that I need to make an effort is tantamount to saying ‘you’re not trying hard enough’ and I hate that and I hope that is not what you hear. Effort to me is partly acceptance, partly sympathy, partly deciding what I want to do next, even if that next is to just have a real good cry.

I never used to do that you know. Having a good cry felt wrong, felt like I was weak and defeated but in not crying I was denying myself the pain and then also any sympathy for the pain. I was simply saying I had not been hurt even if the reality was so obviously different.

So if you’re having a bad day look and see if you’re hurting. Explore what is going on and ask yourself if it’s anger, or fear and see if underneath there isn’t pain too. Don’t shy away from it but look at it and see why, see who caused it: what happened and how it affected you.

Ask yourself what is bothering you and notice how upset you really are?

Then give yourself some time to feel, to cry and even find a quiet space to shout and scream or a soft mattress to batter if that is what you need. And really focus on what it is that you feel you want and need right then. Don’t shy away from things like, Mothers comforting words, a cuddle, time to cry or just sit. Or something more active, like a good run or to go dancing, but be honest about it. Do you just want to hear that you’re going to be okay! You don’t have to tell anyone about what you feel or what you do, just give it to yourself if you can. You were hurt and you deserve sympathy for it.

It won’t change things but it will feel better… well that is unless you feel to be kind, supportive and sympathetic to yourself is wrong or bad in some way.
But don’t expect miracles it takes time to come to terms with things and although a small tiff with someone will be over soon the more difficult things can take years. In all honesty you may need someone else to help you with some of the things that may have happened to you. But that’s okay, it’s what you need that matters and if that is to speak to a councilor then do it there is no shame in getting help. No weakness either just the simple need to deal with what is bothering you so that you can have the life that you want.

And really the best insight I have had into what to do next and whether I need to apologize or move on and forget about it have come from really understanding what it was that bothered me. Because when it comes down to it, just because I was hurt by something doesn’t mean that someone is at fault or to blame. I was simply hurt and need to look at that and if I feel it necessary then to talk with them about it or not as the case may be.



Sadly sometimes there is nothing you can do but wait for the pain to ease and go about your life finding ways to make it easier for yourself.

We need to talk!

A few years ago I was at meeting discussing starting talking therapy, what we expected and what they were going to deliver –so to speak- and I remember one of the staff saying, ‘that if we all had more close friends we could talk to we’d all be much better off and may not need therapy.’

Now this might not work for all of us but having been chronically alone as a child I can see the merit in it, especially as I have often found myself saying, ‘I just wanted to talk, I don’t need anything really but for you to be there and for us to talk..’ And I guess the strange part for me is that I have been surrounded by people, I am not alone in the sense of there is no one present but just that I have not felt close to those around me. Besides even when there are people to talk with they might not want to talk. Some days we just want to be and have fun and the thinking that goes into a good conversation can be exactly what we don’t need.

So why is this important?

Well it struck me because I was talking with a support worker from mind and when asked what I was looking for from their service I simply said, ‘I just want to talk to someone about this, I have a few friends but really I didn’t want to overload them with all my stuff.’ Not least it can feel really feel hard to talk about things with some people, they don’t see things the same way, they don’t understand the problems or how you’re feeling about things, or simply they have a lot of things on themselves but you still need to talk.

But some days I need that release of telling someone who understands what is going on. And for me unlike some I guess, it is a release, a concentrating and explaining of the things causing me to be unsettled that helps. It isn’t that they do anything or in fact say a great deal but just that I can talk about me and what is unsettling me.

Sound selfish

Yeah it feels that way. Conversations shouldn’t be one sided, all parties should be participating even if that is listening and me I want to see that people are listening even if that is all they are doing. I want to feel they are content with letting me talk instead of sitting in silence and waiting for me to stop, even if they are being paid to do that…

But it isn’t selfish to need to talk and to do so,

unless you never let the person speak when they want or need to. A conversation is about give and take, it’s about listening and speaking, sometimes you or they will do more of one than the other.

The thing for me is that not talking, not saying what you need is not the same as being silent. It is not the same as never shutting up either. To speak but never say what you need is the same as silence.

In the same way feeling close to someone isn’t about having a person in the room with you although that helps. It is about how you feel, what you realise/ understand, what you perceive and there is no easy way to ensure that you or anyone else is getting what they need. But to talk, to feel close (understood and accepted) by someone, everyone needs that to some degree or other.

The dangers of loneliness and isolation have been known for years, ‘worse than smoking a packet of 10 cigarettes a day’ but it is not a simple problem to solve. For some the risk of speaking is to great and others the lack of people in their lives, for many it is simply that they have not got deep friendships or that they have lost those that they had.

For me if you find an opportunity to speak, even if it is a greeting or a simple thank you, take it because in doing so you share something with the others person. It may be fleeting, it may not be so nice either but it maybe something you need but didn’t know it.

This is not to say that you should always want to talk but just that it can be hard to talk to someone new, it can be hard to meet people. In fact so many people complain that they find it difficult to meet people it's ridiculous. What I'm saying is if you feel up to it or even  are curious or just ambivalent then take the opportunity and see what happens. It doesn't have to be the big in depth conversation in fact invariably the conversations are so short you'd be surprised but it is a start. It is something that could be built on.

In the lowest parts of my life it was the simple kindness of others that helped me feel better, helped me get through tomorrow and it is the kindness of all that we all need. Yes people get frustrated, angry, shout, ignore people and really awful to people, but they can also be kind, generous and suffering just like you.

You will only know if you start by saying hello and seeing where it goes. They may become exactly what you need right then, even if that is just a simple thank you or have a good day. They might in time become the next friend you can confide in.